Which is Witch: Ed vs. Dustin on Witch

Dustin: Did you listen to Witch?
Ed: Yeah. How old are they?
Dustin: I think they're new.
Ed: I know, but age-wise. 17?
Dustin: Well, one guy is old because he was in Dinosaur Jr., so I would guess the rest are too.
Ed: REALLY. Damn. When I listened to the first song I thought they were mad young — playing very easy riffs and almost struggling with the soloing.
Dustin: Except when they're being awesome.
Ed: It's just not in me anymore — not this kind of rock at least.
Dustin: I am still awesome so I like it.
Ed: I'm listening to "Seer" right now. How can you be excited about this?
Dustin: Because I like heavy metal solos.
Ed: He just barely scaled. Listen to Metallica or Megadeth. Why settle for less? That's what I'm saying.
Dustin: Maybe I don't want to hear something I've heard 50,000 times. I want something NEW. NEW, get it?
Ed: That's the point. This ISN'T NEW.
Dustin: The songs are new, the style isn't. I don't want a new style. I like the old style, I just want new albums.
Ed: Fair enough.
Dustin: Sure, I'd rather have Megadeth make a new Rust in Peace, but they are old and suck now, just like Tool and the Chillis and Metallica and Audioslave etc... Old = you suck.
Ed: I'd rather suck than like poser shit.
Dustin: Why is it poser? Don't you think these guys realize they're not being original? They're HAVING FUN.
Ed: Old Ozzy and Metallica would kill Witch or The Sword in a fight.
Dustin: This is a side project for some famous rock dude who is just enjoying himself.
Ed: Great, even more poser. Metallica was living in a warehouse. Sabbath was in factory hell. This is a side project for a famous rock dude? Yeah, that's fucking rock n roll.
Dustin: Oh, so you have to be poor to rock? What the fuck does that mean?
Ed: I'm just saying you can hear the difference between good music and shit that is recycled. Hence why the classics will always be classics and the rest will be forgotten in a few months.
Dustin: No shit. Look, if you compare every new record to Stevie Wonder, The Beatles and Led Zepplin, you'll never like anything ever again.
Ed: Except for Gnarls Barkley.
Dustin: You're a pussy.
Ed: Not true. I liked the John Legend album, parts of it.
Dustin: Oh man, that's mad original. He is creating a new genre. He sounds nothing like anyone before him.
Ed: Hey man, like whatever you want. I will do the same.
Dustin: You just contradicted your entire argument. That's all I'm sayin.
Ed: Sometimes we will agree and sometimes we will not.
Dustin: Can we just agree that you contradicted yourself?
Ed: How so?
Dustin: Talking about original this and that and then saying you like John Legend.
Ed: Yeah, there were some really good tunes on the album.
Dustin: But according to your logic, why not just listen to Deangelo?
Ed: What do you mean?
Dustin: You said I can't listen to Witch or The Sword because Metallica did it first. Same thing here. Go listen to Maxwell.
Ed: I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying why would you get so excited when something is clearly not as good or even on the same page as the original? You said you like solos — they barely got through one. Meanwhile Metallica and Megadeth have two guitars going at the same time, soloing forever, up and down, deathly killing you. Witch just seems amatuerish, hence why I asked how old they were.
Dustin: It's not that I love soloing Dream Theatre style shit where I can hear someone invent a new arpeggio. I like the fact that someone actually took a fucking guitar solo. Nobody rocks anymore - think about it. NOBODY. So, when someone tries, when they put out some fun riff rock I can bang my head to, it makes me happy. Sure, I'll be bored of it quickly, but it is fun and makes me happy and I applaud the effort.
Ed: Well that's all that matters then — your happiness. I will only applaud good music for I am a snob.

Fear & Loathing in Coachella Pt. 1

Coachella 2006. Total experience:
Jay: A quick look at the back pages of NME around this time reveals a startling and overwhelming amount of music festivals taking place this summer in a number of different countries. Seemingly every country - most notably England - has a major music festival, drawing numerous high-profile acts, DJs, and up-and-coming indie rock groups that, if you got the time and the budget, could fill every weekend from now til Labor Day (do they even have Labor Day in Europe?). Here in the States, our choices are much more limiting. How limiting? Enough to fly 3,000 miles, drive two hours and stay in an ridiculously overpriced motel where their version of a "Bellboy" consists of suspiciously surveying the room hoping no living insects or non-living humans were still in our presence for Coachella, one of the U.S.'s biggest music festivals (held annually in Indio, CA).
But overall, It was definitely worth trooping it out to the desert given a lineup that, while not as good as last year, was enough to keep you running around from stage to stage. The highlight for me was not so much Daft Punk, but more the fact that She Wants Revenge had to go on concurrently and presumably "rocked out" to a crowd consisting of two security guards, a churros vendor and a rabbit.
Dustin: Yeah I thought it was pretty sweet. I could have done without being herded like cattle on the way out Sunday night but otherwise I had no complaints.

The Walkmen:
Dustin: Painful. It was like watching an excruciatingly loud version of The Strokes headed by a bad Bob Dylan impersonator.
Jay: You sound like a contankerous, old hippie. I liked them. Good energy and I think the Dylan thing is what made him unique and set him apart from all the screechers that pass as vocalists in similar bands.

Wolfmother:
Jay: I guess I like them but I can only like them to a certain extent because they're a bit more revivalist than their talent indicates. "Apple Tree" is the best song Jack White never wrote. They were exciting to watch live but the concert was ruined by the wussiest leg kick from a lead singer I have ever seen. Send him some tapes of Freddie Mercury and David Lee Roth - who ironically wrote much more polished and light pop songs - and get back to me.
Dustin: You plagarized that White Stripes line pretty much word for word from RollingStone. Wolfmother could use a few metal lessons, especially with their image, but they offer up some nice riff rock and know how to work the crowd, and actually look like they enjoy playing music.
Jay: I can ASSURE you that I haven't read the RS review and any similarity is PURELY coincidental. Plus, I made the Jack White reference on "Apple Tree" WHILE the song was playing.

Hybrid f. Perry Farrell:
Dustin: We didn't stick around long enough to see Perry come on but from what I heard it sounded like the soundtrack to the newest Mortal Kombat sequel. However, since I was at a music festival, not playing Tekken, this is a bad thing.
Jay: I barely listened to Hybrid but anything involving Perry Farrell at this point I don't really care about because most likely it will involve annoying tribal drums and Burning Man references.

Digable Planets:
Jay: I stayed for two songs. One of them was "Rebirth of Slick." The other was called, I believe, "Not Rebirth Of Slick." They had a live band a la Soulive, which was like watching a classic rock drum solo - hot for five minutes, but then quickly making you suffocate yourself with your neighbor's backpack.
Dustin: I didn't see any of Digable Planets but I could feel them being boring from two stages away.

Common:
Dustin: Speaking of boring, WOW. Why do rappers still think that nobody knows anything about hip-hop? If I hear one more lecture on the elements of hip-hop, I'm going to blow my brains out. 3-6 Mafia won an Oscar. I think the word is out on hip-hop.
Jay: I also note Common introducing us to "The World's Greatest DJ," who proved his title by diggin deep in the crates to shock us with the obscure hip-hop classic "It Takes Two" to the crowd's delight. Someone's been practicin! And Matishyahu rhymed better than Common.

James Blunt:
Jay: Really, what's the point? Why? When I first heard his name, I thought he'd be a cool rapper. But no. We get this insipid Hugh Grant/Damien Rice hybrid. At least do something cool and duet with Maynard instead of strumming your acoustic and telling me how beautiful I am.
Dustin: Seeing who made up the crowd that rushed into the tent to get a good spot for James Blunt was enough for me.

TV on the Radio:
Dustin: They were pretty hot, although some of their stuff sounds better in the studio and comes off a little too noisy live. "Young Liars" is always a highlight.
Jay: And the white guy was "The World's Greatest Beatboxer" like Common's man was "The World's Greatest DJ."

Depeche Mode:
Jay: How do you follow an incredible intro of energetic, uptempo songs? Let's do five mopey ballads in a row, one of which by a guy who dresses like this?

Dustin: Yeah, they definitely let the air out of the balloon with the middle of their set. Plus they didn't do "Policy of Truth." But they did have a sweet stage set-up.

Daft Punk:
Dustin: Remember when everyone ran from Depeche Mode to see Daft Punk, and then when you got there you saw why everyone was running: two guys dressed as robots were standing on a giant LCD pyramid playing the best DJ set ever made in a huge tent full of thousands of people going absolutely insane.
Jay: Yeah, what was even more incredible was how they were able to mix and blend with giant metallic gloves on and hear the music through enormous helmets. I mean, you'd think that it'd be impossible to do that, what with the fact that it's hard to adjust the music with concrete blocks on your hands and all but I guess that's why they're so lauded. Now THAT'S sarcasm! Remember when Kraftwerk was doing the same thing only actually playing music?

Franz Ferdinand:
Jay: Oh boys, your cheekiness is just the living end!
Dustin: I remember my only comment to you was "How can you like this pussy shit?"

Damien Marley:
Dustin: Hey, I'm a white girl in high school dressed in a bikini top, short shorts and knee-high socks, and when I say reggae, I actually mean reggaeton! I thought Damien Marley was pretty hot, although Daddy Yankee would have been way cooler! LOL!
Jay: "Me want to show you me versatility and how good me album is. Ready, rude boys?! Let's do a medley of me father's famous songs for 15 minutes." Man, what a shameless ploy. Some may say...."dread"ful. Hey ohhhhhhhh!

Electric Fish: Jon vs. Russ on Lightning Bolt's John Peel Session

Jon: When John Peel says "This is Lightning Bolt," there's this swath of echo and reverb in his voice. It sounds pretty cool. Then it sounds like Lightning Bolt are playing for a few minutes, and then they just kind of stop for a few minutes so Phish can take the stage.

Russ: Okay, before I destroy you I want to make something clear to everyone reading this: You are not kidding—correct? You are not doing this as a joke, you actually believe that the majority of the Lightning Bolt John Peel Session sounds like the jam-band Phish, right?
Now, having answered that, can you please tell me what it is exactly about this performance that makes them sound like Phish? I hear no similarities at all.

Jon: I'm not kidding. I wish I were. Everyone screams "lighting bolt! Lightning Bolt! LIGHTNING BOLT!" I scream "Phish?!"
Lightning Bolt is a jam-band. The Peel Session is very jam-band-y. I can picture them playing Woodstock 2000 as overtanned new age hippies are smoking pot and screaming "awesome!" while they wave lighters in the air.
This reeks of a jam band. Every now and then there's a bit that's more aggressive than your average jam band, but I don't see anything that really sets them apart. I think John Peel felt the same way—either he was poorly hiding an advanced form of Alzheimers, or he was high as a fucking kite (I'm betting on the latter)—if not for the fact that he ends his outro calling it one of the best performances he's seen, he also praises Erase Errata.
No one praises Erase Errata, aside from college aged lesbians going through their post-structualism is cool/I heart Kathy Acker phase.

Russ: Okay, Jon, I need to direct you a bit or else this battle won't go anywhere. Stay focused. We are not talking about John Peel's opinion, this is about my opinion and your totally fucking retarded opinion. We are not talking about Erase Errata, we are talking about Lightning Bolt. Keep your comments focused to the battle—I'm not interested in your stupid post-structuralism lesbian tangents, and neither is anyone else. You say Lightning Bolt sounds like Phish, and I say that you are a fucking moron. Keep the battle there. Nobody gives a fuck about Kathy Acker.
That being said, the only thing you said that was relevant to answering my question was "every now and then there's a bit that's more aggressive than your average jam band, but I don't see anything that really sets them apart."
Lightning Bolt crushes skulls. They play with such intensity that I can hardly even believe that there are two people unleashing this massive sonic assult that is making my head explode in the most wonderful way imaginable. Phish doesn't crush anything. Their music is weak—crappy little drippy songs about lizards and mockingbirds that they sing while hopping up and down on trampolines. Well-composed, yes, but it's for pussies. I should know—I've seen Phish live over 60 times back when I was a hippy—unfortunately I'm very familiar with that awful, awful band. I am ashamed to admit that I am an expert on Phish.
Lightning Bolt sings about putting George W. Bush in a vat of oil and boiling him until his ears fall off. They beat the living shit out of you with heavy demonic riffs and a drummer that plays like a metronome on acid. They rock so hard that sometimes I can't even believe that this music exists. Phish is the complete opposite of Lightning Bolt.
Your argument is that this Lightning Bolt show sounds like Phish. I challenge you to cite one piece of music made by Phish—anything from a live show or cut in a studio—that sounds like this Lightning Bolt show.

Jon: I'm focused, or at least trying to, but it's hard listening to this shit.
And John Peel and Errase Errata and lesbians are relevant. They form a corollary to my argument. Or is my argument a corollary to them? I'm confused. It's this damn hippie shit that's playing.
If Lightning Bolt crushes skulls, the skulls must be the size of ants, and they're probably only crushed by accident as the members of Lightning Bolt daintily prance around them. I'd say step, but step sounds too manly. Prance seems like the better term. I bet they all cry together whenever one of those tiny ant skulls is crushed, and they follow it with a group hug before they all take bong hits and jam on something happy to make them feel better.
You're only half right about Phish—their music is indeed "weak—crappy little drippy songs about lizards and mockingbirds that they sing while hopping up and down on trampolines." But the "well-composed" part? You must be too much back in your former hippy pussy mindset from listening to all that Lightning Bolt.
I didn't hear any demonic riffs. I heard a lot of freeform/avant-garde jazz guitar and percussion sections—especially in "On Fire," right before they jump into and especially during that part that sounds like a lullaby about halfway into the song.
I don't have any Phish songs. I don't know them at all. Whenever I've heard them, I've said "this is awful shit" and made someone change the music.
This Lighting Bolt recording is anything but hard though—it's fast and aggressive AT MOMENTS, but overall I find it more pretty and light. Lightning Bolt is unarguably a jam band. Listening to it more, I find a bit more in common with freeform/avant-garde jazz, but I still find them very similar in approach to the little Phish I've heard.
I'm so surprised at how worked up you can get over this. I find it kind of boring.

Russ: I'm not worked up Jon. This blog is for entertainment, and unloading on you with both barrels during this battle has been entertaining for me, and hopefully it will be for others as well. Don't take it personally.
That being said, you just ended this battle by admitting that you don't know what the fuck you are talking about.
You called this battle. Nobody said, "let's have a battle where one guy says that Lightning Bolt sounds like Phish and the other guys says that they don't." That's because it is quite likely that you are the only person on the face of the Earth who would make such an asinine comment. This Lightning Bolt-Phish battle was 100 percent your idea.
You fully and openly admit that you are completely unfamiliar with Phish. Your words: "I don't know them at all."
You demonstrate that you don't know Lightning Bolt either. You said that "I heard a lot of freeform/avant garde jazz guitar," but Jon, there is no guitar. Lightning Bolt is a drummer and a bass player. There is no guitar.
Based on your self-proclaimed ignorance of Phish, there is no battle here. This "battle" is between a guy that knows quite a bit about Phish and Lightning Bolt and a guy that knows nothing about either band but for some reason wanted to battle. And that's not a battle—it's a slaughter—not to mention a complete waste of my time. Pick yourself up off the mat and hit the showers.
It's over Johnny.

Jon: "You fully and openly admit that you are completely unfamiliar with Phish..."
I don't know them at all. That doesn't mean that I haven't heard them. I don't know Christina Aguilera at all either, but from what I've heard she sounds like run of the mill awful pop crap. You don't have to be a die-hard Phish fan to say "Hey, this sounds like Phish." I think you've got this ex -hippy standard that I must know them as intimately as you.
"You said that 'I heard a lot of freeform/avant-garde jazz guitar' but Jon, there is no guitar..." Hate to break this to you Russ: it's called a bass guitar. The high strings sound more like a guitar than a bass, and with octave shifters (like LB is known to use), they sound even more similar. Hell, you can even stuff a bass through a distortion pedal and make notes that sound like guitar chords. And oh, wait, what's this? Lightning Bolt have acknowledged Sun Ra as an influence.
"...there is no battle here. This "battle" is between a guy that knows quite a bit about Phish and Lightning Bolt and a guy that knows nothing about either band but for some reason wanted to battle..."
Lightning bolt is a jam band. Phish is a jam band. They both get on stage and wank (or sit in the middle of the crowd and wank—it's your call). You say they're angsty noise, fine, but you're wrong. They're artful pretty noise and they jam on it (like those moments where Sonic Youth just play feedback so they can call it art, but then everyone just leaves). I think years of listening to pussy shit like Phish warped your mind and gave you a really low bar on what hard music is, and gave you the inability to realize its a jam band when they're two feet in front of you.

Russ: Stay down Johnny, stay down.

Whatevs: Dude vs. Who Bout Somethin

Dude: Hey remeber that album by that guy? That sucked.

Who: No way, that was awesome. I liked the part with the songs.

Dude: You are dumb. There were way too many cymbals and too much guitaring.

Who: You look like a foreskin. That was the best album of all time. It makes me cry and think of sunshine.

Dude: What about track four?

Who: Yeah that one sucks donkey balls.

Dude: You suck donkey balls. That's the only good track on the album. I played it at my wedding.

Who: How could you have played it at your wedding when you're still a virgin? Also, how can you have herpes when you've never kissed a girl?

Dude: I got it from your mom, when I was laying pipe in her backyard. I played track four during that too.

Who: You're a plumber?

Dude: No, I do landscaping mostly.

Who: Do you like music?

Dude: No.

Who: Me also.