Frances The Moot: Chris vs. Dustin on Mars Volta

Dustin: Mars Volta sucks my balls. Okay, their first album was not bad. If they cut a few of the songs down from eight minutes to five minutes, they would have had a really fantastic album. But the latest one — what a crock of pretentious jam band crap. Who can even listen to this shit?

Chris: You are completely wrong. Jam bands in the vein of Phish just play off a singular theme most of the time and riff almost purely to show off the quality of their musicianship, which is usually high. Mars Volta is nothing like a jam band — they don't sit there and masturbate their guitars into a frenzy or give the drummer some for 10 minutes. Can you honestly say that they are a jam band like the Dead, or Phish? Last time I checked, I didn't hear anything in their lyrics about some milk producer (Phish) or dancing hypercolor bears.

Dustin: When I call them a jam band, I use the term to say that they write long, boring songs and sweat their own musical ability to the point that it seems the band's entire focus is proving how talented they are instead of making music that is enjoyable to listen to. Sonically they're nothing like Phish or the Dead, and lyrically, well, they're nothing like anyone. In fact, I believe they get their lyrics from dropping word-of-the-day flashcards on the floor and assembling them randomly.

Chris: I compare their lyricism with that of improvisation in jazz. Improvisation comes purely from the inner workings of the individual, and the expression is what it is. There is inner need for human beings to make sense of words, for them to tell the listener a story, a vision, or a feeling. Yet how accurate are words when it comes to expressing certain things?
Look, it's self indulgent music. By making their lyrics so insensible, they obviously don't care what people think. Yet they have quite a following? Free of the judgment of your personal tastes, what can you attribute their popularity to? You can't purely place it on the shoudlers of MTV airplay, as their songs totally and completely buck the trend of the rest of the absolute shit that they play.

Dustin: "Cygnus... Vismund Cygnus: a. SARCOPHAGI b. UMBILICAL SYLLABES c. FACILIS DESCERNUS AVERNI d. CON SAFO"
Lyric samples:
"A lachrymal cloud" "An abortion that survived a lineage of bastard mastacation" "Chrome the fetal mirage"
Just the fact that they would name a song that name, give it four parts with even more retarded names, and use lyrics like those should prove without a doubt that these guys are douche bags.
Why do people like them? I don't know. I assume people want to rock. At The Drive In rocked, Mars Volta's first album kinda rocked, and this new one has some elements of rock in it. But is it worth it? For the few seconds of cool riffs, do I really need to listen to five minutes of space sound affects made by a guy who just downloaded Acid Pro?

Chris: Oh yeah, I forgot — rock really never had any unitelligible lyrics before Mars Volta. There was this band in the 60's called the Beatles who sang crazy shit like "oh-blah dee" and "octopus's garden."
When it comes to their lyrics, it's just them being self-indulgent. Music translates emotions that are more easily empathized with instead of logically understood. When it comes to De-Loused in the Comatorium, which is about their bandmate who died, you cannot honestly say that even though their lyrics might not appeal to your higher faculties of reason, you have to admit that there is definitely a strain of sorrow that comes through.
And really, you strike me as an individual who could appreciate some prog rock that doesn't fit into radio-sized four minute blocks. Yeah, there are some spacy things on Frances the Mute, but do you have a three-chord maximum or something? Patience, warrior.

Dustin: If the music was good, I wouldn't care about the lyrics. I only reference them because the music is annoying and pretentious mishmosh as well. The lyrics are just the most obvious expression of how obnoxious this band is, not too mention the funniest.
This band is best summed up through the sixth song on Deloused. At least I think it's the sixth song — it's hard to remember looking at titles like "Eriatarka" and "Cicatriz Esp." Anyway, this song starts off awesome — just kicks major ass. Sick riff, everything about it is dope. The end is the same way. But what's in the middle? Three minutes of bleeps, then at one point total silence! Total silence! Why? WHY?!
For every cool minute of rock on a Mars Volta album, there's five minutes of nonsense, beeps, clicks, chirping birdie sounds, droning crap and pointless noodling. They're wasting my time – and that's like murdering me, just a teeny tiny bit.

Chris: Mostly anybody can write a sick riff — and it seems that Mars Volta can do it without even thinking. But let's get a little post-modern about the contrast between those boop-ity, bop-ity bits and the awesome parts of the song. Obviously they aren't writing show tunes where there has to be a couple of refrains from the coda. Why do it? I think they are doing it BECAUSE those early bits are so easily digestible. There are elements of epic house that they are bringing to the table — which probably is the reason for their wide success. Yet it's a pretty interesting thing to do with rock. They maintain space between their pop-sensibilities (their hooks) and their possible motivations for deconstruction.

Dustin: Deconstruction, epic house, blah blah blah. Frances the Mute is one hour plus of guitar nerd crap voiced over by a whiny screaming baby with a stupid afro. Do you really like it, or do you just want to like it?

Chris: Yes I like Frances the Mute, yes I would wear their silly fucking T-shirt and yes I like guitar nerd crap because I was reared on Rush, Judas Priest, and Yngwie Malmsteen. Fuck music nazis who secretly want everybody else to like what they like so then can turn around and diss it and feel superior.

Dustin: Fuck music nazis? Hey buddy, who the hell do you think you are. If I can't go online and write about how much someone else's favorite album sucks, then the terrorists have already won. This is what freedom is all about — I get to tell you Mars Volta sucks, then you get to tell me I'm an asshole. Then you go home and listen to them and I listen to something good and we're both happy. Everyone wins!

Chris: The terrorists have already won if people like me can't listen to music that makes me want to jump off of the Tri-bizzle without the smirks of the chronically undepressed and whose judgement is serotonin-ally free.

Dustin: Kiss me.